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13 October 2011 @ 08:52 pm
More Breaking Dawn Fail  
Okay... I've started trying to get through Breaking Fail again. It's been a year since I looked at this thing, but it's not hard to go diving back into it, honestly. The whole thing treats you like you're a fucking moron.

So we come away from Bella's wedding where EVERYONE IS SO PERFECT BUT NO ONE IS MORE PERFECT THAN BELLA AND EDWARD. And then we go to the personal island Esme's Island where they finally have sex and NO ONE IS MORE PERFECT AT SEX THAN BELLA AND EDWARD. And then she wakes up the next morning and there are feathers and crap everywhere, they've fully destroyed the bed because Edward's a pillow biter, literally. He refuses to have sex with Bella again because he bruised her up the first time and she continuously tries to seduce him before she finally gets him in the sack again and again. And then she gets sick and realizes she's pregnant.

She hasn't been there for more than two weeks and she's already noticing a bulge in her belly. She can feel the abomination nudge her through her skin as it grows. And if you were ever frightened about having children, do not read this book because it turns something that should be a natural, happy, albeit exhausting thing to something right out of a fucking horror movie but continues to try to pass it off as a beautiful thing. She keeps commenting that it nudges her and moves and it's too far along for two weeks. When Edward gets wind of it he has no idea how the hell that came about because there's no way it should even exist. My respect for Edward has increased slightly. He starts talking to Carlisle and organizing a way to get rid of the abomination for Bella's sake, but Bella is offended that he should refer to it as such when he should be thankful that they even have a child. Because their child WILL BE THE MOST PERFECT CHILD IN THE WORLD.

So Bella conspires with Rosalie and then when she goes home she goes to Rosalie who apparently protects her from her own leader. We don't know anything about this until later, but I'll get back to it in a bit.

We take it from Jacob's perspective this time and he's talking about picking a fight with the Cullens because he thinks Bella's been turned into a vampire and thus violating the treaty. He's sort of amusing as we come to love about Jacob up until he sees Bella looking emaciated with Rosalie standing guard over her and all the other Cullens holding back while sitting with their thumbs up their asses. One would think that Carlisle being the head of this family would actually put his foot down at some point, but we need to have this baby come to term so that it can be born and we can have vampy Bella being super speshule. As it stands, Carlisle is literally doing Nothing except trying to make Bella more comfortable because it doesn't seem to occur to him or anyone else to restrain Rosalie and then get to Bella. Oh, and of course Esme is on Bella's side because she lost her baby and promptly tried to off herself when she was human and Rosalie wanted babies when she was human and now she's obsessed with having Bella's baby. The only thing common here is that WOMEN ONLY CARE ABOUT HAVING BABIES. (At some point I ought to write down my drinking game for this book and the tropes from it.)

So Edward tells Jacob that he ought to try suggesting to Bella that Jacob be her source for babies and they could share her or she could just go off entirely with Jacob. I don't care if it did come out to a threesome so long as everyone's stopped whining and doing something productive. I don't care about either Team Whatever. So Jacob goes to her and....

I will admit. I lost my temper. I don't typically lose my temper very easily. I can be a little hot-headed at times, especially in a debate, which is why I don't like to debate that much, but usually I'm not about to go trying to kill something. I have very rarely actually lost my temper. The number of times where I thought murder was the only option can be counted on your hand. (One of which involved an ex-friend who would not shut up and insulted a myriad of people I cared about and so I shut her up.) The point is, I don't do this normally. So you can imagine just how pissed off I was that I went absolutely bug-fuck insane on this book.

Jacob's rambling thoughts commented on how much of a Classic Martyr Bella was and that she should have been born in a century where she would have been fed to the lions for her "good deeds", thereby effectively comparing Bella Swan to the Christian Saints and Martyrs who were killed and mutilated and tortured for their belief in One God and Jesus as their Messiah. Then--THEN--as if to put an extra amount of angry into me Bella was babbling about how Jacob's Imprinting was Magic and how she believed in Magic and how imprinting was magic like in A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM.

.................I threw the book. And then I picked it up and threw it again. And then I picked it up and used one of my romance novels to hit it with as if the book itself would learn a lesson from the romance novel which is better written. Then, I started banging the book on every sharp corner I could find. I finally went looking for a hammer, didn't find one and instead picked up one of the kitchen knives and stabbed the back of the book several times until I was satisfied. The book is a hardcover and the holes go through the last chapter of this horse piss.

Jacob continues to talk to Bella and she of course is completely fucking insane. She's talking about her little monster as if it's the most beautiful thing in the world and keeps saying how she's just not strong enough yet to carry the baby. The baby's just really strong so it hurts her at every opportunity. She's just a weak human, so she has to be strong to keep going for it. At the prospect of perhaps some alternative to having the demon child she immediately goes "EW. Have some stranger's baby? WTF Jacob! This baby is Mine. This baby is mine and Edward's! It's Our baby!" And she doesn't quite get that Jacob was meaning that she should have babies with him, but she does eventually figure that out without him saying it and she's like "Edward really Will do anything for me."

Jacob goes back to the pack after a while of trying to convince the completely retarded Bella to just let someone get rid of the fucking thing before she just keels over, but of course that's fucking useless since she has no more brain power left to her. (Not that she had much to begin with.) Also, mind you, Bella has stated they don't actually know what this baby is because the ultrasound won't pierce through the hard membrane that resembles their diamond skin. She says she's going on Faith. She fully believes she will have this perfect little baby boy that will be a clone of Edward Cullen so that she can love it and call it "Precious". Bella is effectively Gollum at this point and the fetus is the One Ring.

The pack takes a look at what's going on and properly freak the fuck out. Sam goes about organizing an attack to completely wipe out the Cullens to get rid of the baby monster that Gollum!Bella holds because it could potentially kill hundreds. These are good reasons, folks, but does it get passed as that? NO. OF COURSE NOT. YOU MUST BE THINKING OF SOMETHING THAT MAKES FUCKING SENSE. No, Jacob and Seth (Edward's Boyfriend) get uppity and say that they were killing innocent people and Sam uses his Alpha influence on them. Jacob has stated before that he is actually supposed to be the leader of the pack because his dad is the chief. He can't say no to the influence of the Alpha so he submits to it and remarks that it's like being led around by puppet strings. Well FUCK THAT. See that point there? It's about to go away, because Meyer says so, never mind that Jacob hasn't had a moment where he could completely fucking ignore Sam's influence before. He has always had to follow the Alpha's rules. He only broke away before because Sam didn't use the influence on them and rarely does so, but either way he has never once been able to break off those shackles. Well surprise, surprise, Jacob breaks those shackles right quick and runs off like the magic unicorn he is. This creates two packs where Seth follows him and they can only speak to one another instead of communicate with the rest of the pack.

Meyer pulled it out of her ass.

Jacob then becomes a guard dog for the Cullens with Seth. Leah comes by and joins the "pack" and she has immediately lost her snark because she has to be good now for the Alpha!Jacob. Mind you, Leah is one of the ones that actively Hates Bella. You can imagine my sadness when she's not constantly telling Jacob to shut the fuck up about Bella. She's of course only joining because she doesn't want to stick around Sam, who is her ex-boyfriend before he imprinted on Emily. (Mind you, Emily's probably one of the better characters in this. She's a sweet girl and she's quite strong to stay around werewolves that could potentially kill her. She's already proof that they can maul the shit out of you thanks to the increase in anger management problems. *coughMeyercough*) So Leah's on board and I'm hoping she continues to snark on Bella being a complete idiot.

Jacob then starts talking to Carlisle and Carlisle can't get near Bella thanks to Esme and Rosalie. *achem* ARE YOU THE FUCKING LEADER OF THIS COVEN OR ARE YOU NOT? YOU HAVE POWER OVER THESE PEOPLE. YOU MADE THEM. MAN THE FUCK UP, YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT. But of course no one listens to me. Carlisle won't restrain his wife or his "child" so Gollum!Bella continues to waste away. She is literally starving to death because the fetus won't take normal nutrients and instead takes from its mother, or in this case, it's host. And of course I nearly vomit when Carlisle claims Bella is a precious daughter to him. Oh and then he makes a weird mention of how vampire venom works miracles some several pages after Jacob sees Bella hooked up to an IV drip of some weird white, thick liquid. (I was talking to a couple of people while doing this and they both went the same direction I did: "Did he masturbate into the IV bag?") So.... you use Vampire Venom, the stuff you are all made of, the stuff that can change a normal, healthy person into a vampire within minutes, as a means to heal people? Now, I can see for many vampire stories where the vampire heals the wound he inflicts with a couple of drops of blood applied to the wound works. It's not that much and the person isn't almost bled out. However, these vampires can just bite a person and that will be enough to start changing them into a vampire as evidenced in the first fucking novel. So if that IV drip is vampire venom, what the fuck are you trying to accomplish you silly shit! Oh, and he later says he's got her hooked up to a nutrient drip because she's starving to death, but of course Esme won't let Carlisle do anything to kill the baby to protect her precious daughter-in-law.

One could argue that Esme's trying to get rid of Bella, but the baby is still a problem. They have no idea what it is at all. Rosalie has no motive. She Hates Bella. We've seen her be a complete bitch to her on numerous occasions because she hates Bella that much. (I like Rosalie to an extent as you can see.) What possible motive does Rosalie have to protect Bella from the good doctor to keep the baby alive? On that matter, why does Esme, a woman who has shown to like Bella greatly and treats her as part of her own family time and again, sit and watch Bella die a slow, painful death instead of looking for an actual solution to the problem? BABIES. ALL WOMEN CARE ABOUT ARE BABIES. THAT IS ALL WE KNOW ABOUT. BABIES. THAT IS ALL WE ARE GOOD FOR. That's it. That's all I can come up with. BABIES ARE ALL THAT MATTER.

Even Edward has trouble even describing his hellspawn as a "fetus" much less a "baby". Again, EDWARD has trouble with this. EDWARD.

Oh, and before I forget, Jacob is talking to Carlisle and Carlisle says how he'd love to get a needle into the amniotic sac to get some fluid out to test and study and this flies right over Jacob's head. WHY? It's not fucking rocket science here! It's not brain surgery! You're not listening to a man talk about engineering concepts that only a fellow engineer can understand! This is basic biology! Unless Meyer's certain that a Native American Indian born and raised on a reservation would never have a fucking clue about basic biology. I don't know. I've heard that the reservations have shit schools and shit hospitals, but I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and hope that someone is teaching kids these basic concepts! Carlisle then asks Jacob how many chromosomes humans have and he answers 23. Carlisle then reveals some very bizarre information:

human: 23 chromosomes
vampire: 25 chromosomes
werewolf: 24 chromosomes

Meyer... you fail biology forever.

So basically the vampires are another species entirely. They're not human become the living dead. They're not demonic. They're another species entirely. My theory on the vampires in this world being aliens still stands. Now if only that baby was a chest burster.

Oh. Another thing. If these guys are another species entirely, then that means they should be able to procreate with one another. That means that Rosalie and Emmett, Alice and Jasper, Carlisle and Esme, should be having babies left and fucking right.
Mood?: cynicalcynical