Redpassion did the uppuN's art meme.... and I edited it.

Redpassion, the infamous beta tester on devart, has a character named Emily Brown. Emily Brown is from France. I don't know why, but she is. She started off as the lover of Louis XVI and then evolved to be Snape's lover instead. The artist has amazing talent, no lie, but she uses it to be insufferably spiteful toward the HP characters and JKR like most Harmonians. I think she's known as a Snapewife, because of her blind adoration of Severus Snape. Now, I love Snape, but I love him for who he is. He's a bully, but when it comes down to crunch time he's got Dumbledore's back. This person, however, seems to think Lily and James are Boris and Natasha. No, no... She would treat Boris and Natasha with respect. They're the devil's minions to her. Harry is the child of the devil's minions, therefore Harry sucks and she hates him. She hates Gryffindors because.... I don't know, because Snape hates Gryffindors, I guess.

So, I took a crack at uppuN's Art Meme that Redpassion did art for. She claims there's irony and black humor in it, but in truth she's just trying to justify her irrational hatred for all things good decent outside of side characters.... who aren't Ginny and Ron... like Harmonians do. I think she may be a Harmonian on the side of being a Snapewife. Joking, really. I don't know what goes through this woman's head, honestly. I'm not psychic. I'm taking stabs in the dark by her actions and what she says. Apparently the artist has a cult following and only God knows why she does.

Click here to see the edit of the meme. Be warned... stupidity be here in these choppy waters. Arrr.


The Daughter's Tale by ArneiaScarlett

I found this story on the Narnia Sues community a while back and kept it in my bookmarks for a while before I decided I would keep it for the future. Well, I have my Narnian sword (Thank you, Bo'sun.) and Hohenheim hasn't been drawn for ages, so I get the opportunity to take a bite out of this very boring little number. RAWR!

The story basically is the Lion, Witch and Wardrobe of the Narnia Chronicles. We have the story starting off from the point of view of not the Pevensies, but of Arneia Sera, the adopted daughter of Aslan. She has been sneaking around Naria since Jadis took over and overworks her poor horse to do really dumb moves. Clearly, the writer has never actually seen a rider work with a horse before. Arneia is known as Lady Arneia, the Swordmaiden of Narnia and Daughter of Aslan. You read that right, she is the "swordmaiden" of Narnia. Someone forgot that they weren't Eowyn, who, admittedly, is a Shieldmaiden, which is a different fighting technique altogether, but still similar enough to make me laugh and to make the crew facepalm. She was gifted two swords from Santa Claus/Father Christmas, whom she repeatedly calls "The Father". Nevermind that she's somehow mistaken Santa Claus for God, but she uses two swords in combat and it's described from the first person point of view, except it's written more like a third person point of view. She wears a cloak with the hood down over her face like every other fantasy character and whips her swords out ready for attack like she just got done watching Lord of the Rings. And according to Narnia Sues she is supposed to be Peter's love interesting, but we've yet to see that.

What does she do? Nothing. At all. She sits back and gives away the plot like an old radio show character while acting mysterious and letting everyone say she's "Lady Arneia". She finds the kids and the Beavers running across the ice lake. She sees Santa and greets him before telling him what's happened. We then see Santa give away the Pevensies' gifts. We get an introduction of Arneia that's immediately forgotten. She goes to Aslan's Camp and meets him there and refuses to call him Father. She gets sent off to give us more of the plot because she is the one telling the story, so we get to see her yelling at Peter to use his sword with the script of the movie directly in front of us. And that's as far as I've gotten in this. Did she actually do anything in all that? Well, she saved Lucy.... while nearly drowning her poor horse. The only thing missing is a mention of music swelling into a heroic theme for Peter as he emerges from the icy river.

It's... stupid. It's stupid in ways that The Host by Stephanie Meyer is stupid and boring. However, at least The Host is at least something I haven't seen before, which makes it more interesting to me to read. The Bo'sun described this type of Mary Sue as the Exposition Fairy. She gives the story away without any tension left in it to interest anyone else.

The Daughter's Tale by ArneiaScarlett

Chapter One: 1 2 3 4
Chapter Two: 1 2 3 4
Chapter Three: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Faith of the Heart by Disneyfan01

Alright... First, I must explain something. This story is shit. However, it's the sort of shit that is hilarious to read with someone who can do a decent pirate accent as well as a passable French accent. This really should simply be read between me and the Bo'sun, but I have no way of recording us when we actually read this story out loud to one another. I will tell you that i have a few voices I reserve for a few characters outside of trying to mimic Mickey Mouse and Goofy. (I do better with Goofy.) I do Donald Duck as Sean Connery because she always gives him the "shh" lisp that Sean Connery has a tendency to do, but in written form. Second is that I give this really horrific voice to Tinkerbell... just because. And Marina.... I give Marina the whiniest voice possible that I usually reserve for the likes of Bella Swan. It fits in my opinion, though she's supposed to sound like Jessica Rabbit.

Now, to be fair, the author is Trying to at least rewrite this story to not be quite so stupid, but honestly the whole thing is so laughable to begin with I really don't care if she does fix it to the point that it's regarded as awesome prose. This thing is like watching Twilight: you can't help but be entertained by everyone trying to play off a silly story as serious. It's a rip-off of Kingdom Hearts to the point that it's been pointed out repeatedly at every opportunity and, as I recall, the author denies that it's supposed to be a Kingdom Hearts fanfiction. It might as well be. At least then it would be far more understandable. Instead, it's supposed to be her original concept. I have original concepts that I keep close at hand. A lot of them. And while some things have inspired some aspects of them, they are for all the world original stories with original plots pulled out of my ass or the ass of the First Mate or the Bo'sun. The Heartless are now called Nightmares, the main character is Marina Seadrift instead of Sora and the love interest is, instead of a cute girl, a great big Cyborgmanbear. (The Bo'sun's word, not mine.) With a beer gut.

So what Is the story? Marina Seadrift the daughter of a noble and lives with King Mickey and Queen Minnie. She somehow goes on an adventure to see the galaxy while in search of the princesses to protect them from the Nightmare Invasion and falls in love with the Ursid Captain John Silver. You read that correctly. She falls in love with Captain John Silver. Now, I'm the first person to say "Love interest? Yeah, I can do that." when it comes to a character that's not generally thought of as romantic. Well, this guy just isn't romance material in my opinion and with a better writer then perhaps this might have been pulled off better. We'll see as I step into Faith of the Heart and try to make sense of it in my usual manner rather than how it ought to be done. (I can't record, as I said, so this is as good as it gets. Honestly, I highly recommend you read her work. It's hilarious whether intentional or not.)

Faith of the Heart by Disneyfan01

Part One

Chapter One: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

I Will Not Marry A Weasley! by Broomstickflyer

Oh, yes, they struck again. And Again. And Again. They keep striking with more and more bullshit, but this one was the shortest one of them I had in my files. The rest are multichapter monsters and one in particular about how Ron and Hermione's children are soulless and that God has struck them down for not being the product of Harry and Hermione while Hermione is judged by the children she never had with Harry. It's... It's stupid. It's the same sort of Harmonian crap you'll see if you even look at any Harmonian site. They're nuts and they don't even recognize that they're sick bastards. And I don't say that lightly. They're Sick. I hope to God that these people get some sort of help for whatever mental illness they've achieved, because it's pretty fucking nasty what they've got.

So we have Broomstickflyer again. If you want to see one that they actually pulled off their profile, then look here. That story isn't even as foul as they get, but I'll try to get to the others someday. Just not now. I need a break from these people before I go on a killing spree.

These people Exist.

So in this we have Harry and Hermione bitching about having to marry a stupid red headed Weasley, because all redheads are horrible people and that goes double for the Weasleys who have proven to be nothing but wretched excuses for human beings. Take that awful Ron Weasley. He went out and actually sacrificed himself on a living chessboard so that his best mates could go on after him. He then went with his best mate into the Forbidden Forest while dealing with his natural fear of spiders and got attacked by a bunch of giant spiders to further instill that natural fear. He went and stood up against a truly terrifying man in the convicted murderer Sirius Black by standing on a broken leg to put himself between his friends and the escaped convict. He had the Gall to go out to the department of mysteries to help his best mates against a bunch of Deatheaters. He had the absolute temerity to join Dumbledore's Army and then help organize it with his friends when the school was attacked. That horrible excuse for a human being went out of his way to completely ruin Harry and Hermione's fun in a tent by helping them with the horcruxes and then ended up losing his sanity trying to carry one artifact in particular before leaving so he could keep from going insane. And then he just had to come back to ruin the H/Hr fun by apologizing for being an ass and joining back up to help fight the horcruxes, destroy them and destroy Voldemort. Yes, this is a horrible person indeed.

And then there's of course that horrible bitch Ginny Weasley who dares to have a girlish crush on Harry when they're little kids and then get shy around him before finally starting to speak to him when she finally grows up a little. Oh, and she's a complete slut, too, because she went out with other boys before she and Harry finally hooked up. And she must have used a love potion on him to make him even want to bang that firecrotch because who would want to bang that?

Or Molly Weasley, that cunt. She had the gall to spit out a bunch of children at every opportunity and then raise them up to be good, though rowdy children. She's clearly a whore like her daughter. She clearly made that love potion Harry drank to make him fall in love with that cunt Ginny, because there's no reason he should ever love Ginny for being there at every chance she got to be even remotely near him. In fact, all the Weasleys are abusive fucking assholes that would strap Hermione down and rape her repeatedly for their own dastardly reasons. Truly these people should have been drowned in ammonia upon birth.

so in this Harry and Hermione are bitching about marrying into the Weasley family because they clearly don't want to sully themselves with Weasley fleas. Meanwhile, of course, Ron and Ginny stand off to the side being complete inbred idiots. There's no evidence to point to why Harry should love Ginny and Hermione should love Ron or vice versa. There's absolutely no reason at all why Remus and Tonks should have died or why Sirius should have died or why Dobby should have died. Now that Percy Weasley, he should have been shot to death. He probably had AIDS too.

This fic is labeled Humor. I see no humor in this. I can't even laugh at their stupidity because they're foisting it off onto their offspring's offspring. I can't even laugh at the whole of the Harmonian cult because they're completely batshit insane and will shove it at people at every opportunity.

I Will Not Marrying A Weasley! by Broomstickflyer

1 2 3 4 5
you are a waste

Potter Blood Feud excerpt by Broomstickflyer

hokay, how do I explain this. I went to the HMS STFU looking for more about PStibbons and ended up coming across this person. Now, I've since switched my stance on PStibbons, mainly because PStibbons is not actually a Harmonian. No... He's a Hermiophile. He's completely obsessed with Hermione to the point of not giving a shit about any other character if it doesn't deserve Hermione's notice. Therefore, his Hermione turns into The Bride from Kill Bill for his own amusement. He's very similar to Harmonians, though, in that he's completely batshit insane.

See, there's a big difference between your average H/Hr and a Harmonian. See, an H/Hr thinks Harry and Hermione were meant to be, or they just really like them together, and they don't like Ron because they don't think he deserves her, or, if they're more sane, think he's just not as suited to Hermione as Harry. You can Almost respect this lot if it weren't for the buckets of crazy they've had a long and stories history of in the past. They also complain and bitch a lot when their own smug, elitist attitude is tossed back at them by a group that has a right to be smug to them: namely anyone who saw the obvious. However, again, you can almost respect them because many of them are just enjoying their ship for whatever they can get from it.

Harmonians, however, broke away from the larger tent of the H/Hrs to build their own locked in compound complete with guard posts and barbed wire fencing on the perimeter to make certain no one strays from the cult of fantastic craziness they have. They broke away from the larger group because the larger group wasn't militant in their beliefs enough for this bunch. That is what we have. We have all that craziness from ages ago concentrated into this pool of complete absurdity that baffles me entirely and even pisses me off to the point that just one story from the point of view of these motherfuckers makes me unable to do anymore for several weeks. I'm not joking; I was quite done with PStibbons when I finally got all his bullshit together and he's not even a real Harmonian. Imagine the dumbest fucking person on the planet and then multiply them by a 100. That's how bad these people are. And that's how bad their bullshit will be no matter who you find to read. Unlike your average H/Hr the Harmonians fully believe that Harry and Hermione are the main protagonists of the greatest romance story ever created and that their love is so pure that it not only would have defeated Voldemort before Harry did in the seventh book, but also transcends sexuality entirely. They also fully believe that Ron and Ginny are not only evil, but their whole family are a bunch of evil people. Either that or they're all idiots. There are other things that one can associate with these bastards, but believe me you'll never want to deal with them. They all seem to have the reading comprehension level of a preschooler. Even kindergarteners have better reading comprehension than these assholes. Not only are they complete idiots and assholes, but they're elitist and bitch about how they're constantly persecuted by Harry/Ginny and Ron/Hermione shippers to the point that when the seventh book came out they immediately clammed up and the administrators of the FictionAlley forums told everyone to not boast about how they won. Given that we had been having to deal with these elitist, smug assholes for the better part of several fucking years without a single ounce of relief, I think you can imagine just why I think these cunts should be destroyed as quickly as possible.

So this is how we get to Broomstickflyer. Broomstickflyer is one of these Harmonians. Unlike PStibbons, they're not really Hermiophiles. They're tried and true Harmonians that fully believe the bullshit they shit out of their old, wrinkled asses. Broomstickflyer is a pair of grandparents that read their bullshit fanfictions to their grandchildren. I don't doubt that if they read this bullshit to their grandchildren that those grandchildren will grow up to be serial killers. Unfortunately for you all I couldn't find this fic for all I looked except the excerpt I found on the HMS STFU. The link on the HMS STFU was old, clearly, but these people have plenty of bullshit for you to vomit at.

Excerpt from "The Potter Blood Feud" by Broomstickflyer


Second Task Romance by Kingstongirl (Forevercountry)

If you remember, two years ago this chick Forevercountry caught my attention with her atrocious character Faith Windrift for being the first Jesus!Sue that I had ever born witness to. It wasn't until recently when I started reading The Host that I saw yet another Jesus!Sue popping up, or at least what looks like one. Anyway, if you have no idea, Faith Windrift was this girl that somehow managed to be born several weeks before her twin brother Harry without any problem, fooled the healers into thinking she was still born in the womb and then called Death to her who then explained that she not only could talk on her own, but that she would be a seer and a psychic. In retrospect I should never have been so angry at the thing as I had been, because I have seen far, far worse and I completely forgot about this chick and her dinky little sue right after the suethor claimed she was leaving the internet forever.

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I started reading The Host by Stephanie Meyer

So I was at Half-Price Books and found The Host for about $10. I thought "what the hell" and got it since I had the money on me and figured since it was Meyer it would be pretty golden for lulz. I've only just gotten through the prologue, which is decently short, though of course explains nothing other than the aliens' point of view. This may end up being more about the fact that the editors clearly either don't exist or don't care.

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you are a waste

Arabella Rath by Tigraess

This one caught my attention on PotterSues. You wouldn't believe some of the shit I pas up because it's just not irritating enough to my or funny enough to me to mock. Or, luckily perhaps, some of them have already been taken down for whatever reason. (I'm quite certain that it may be because the people that read PotterSues will go in and independently harass the writers until they take the piece down. Doesn't bother me that much except I kind of want a copy of these pieces as they are reported so I can relish in their shitty glory. Whatever. They're at least not taking up anymore space anymore.) Regardless, I tend to go through PotterSues because it's a lot easier to pick and choose if someone else has already listed the complete fail of a character already. It's lazy, yeah, but whatever. I don't go through anymore like I used to. Doing that I see gems like this.

Arabella Rath is a weird girl with an emo/goth bedroom that she refers to as a den and lives with her two parents Mr. and Mrs. Haggard. One could ask why her surname is Rather then if that is the case, but that would be too fucking logical for this. I just printed out one chapter of this and reading through it was a major chore. It's as bad as reading through Twilight except the descriptions are not about how awesome Edward is and instead about how awesome the main character is. This is classic sue stuff complete with huge paragraphs of nothing but purple prose. I should say they're urple prose because it's pretty massive and bad at the same time. I'm not sure how best to explain it other than that. Just... Wow. So Arabella is some sort of faery, and I use the AE there because that's how this author comes off. She uses words like "magick" and "fey" and other such things, describes shit like she's one of those pretentious Wiccans. And I don't mean Wiccans in general are pretentious, I mean one of the pretentious Wiccans that gets a single book and thinks they've just learned the secrets of God or something. That sort of pretentious Wiccan. This girl strikes me as the sort that got herself a book of love spells and immediately thinks she's hot shit.

Now, i have no fucking idea where this girl is from, but from what I see she must be a native English speaker with the Spell-check and Grammar-check turned off or simply just doesn't pay attention to it at all. I say this because the run-on sentences are phenomenal. I'm serious. This chick's paragraphs are fucking huge and that's mainly because she writes huge run-on sentences that have no real end to them. I'm going to guess that she's an American trying to pass herself off as British in writing because she uses the British fashion writing words like Favourite and Colour, but then turns right around and says something like "She's got the best homeschooler in the State." This makes me think the character is in America, but she is suddenly supposed to be taken away to England via portkey, which is at least better than the Apparition we saw in A Never Wilting Bloom.

Oh, and as I said, Arabella is supposed to be some sort of Faery or something so she's constantly described as willowy but strong, ice queen and shit that never stops. She gets her own special wand made from the wood of a scythe with a core of the heartstring of a wendigo and a shard of the Winter Queen's staff, the queen of the Winter Fey. She also has a familiar that is a gigantic wolf that named Seff. And she's a monumental bitch that I can only guess is going to end up with Remus Lupin somehow because she connects to him somewhat and not to Dumbledore at all. In fact, she pretty well treats Dumbles like he's made of bees. Oh and she hates her name for some reason that I can't see. Arabella is a nice name and another character in canon already shares it. It's a pretty name and I'm not altogether certain why she dislikes it so much that she cringes every time someone says it. Instead she likes "Aira", pronounced "Air-ra". Oh the pretentiousness knows no end.
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Breaking Dawn part deux.... or three.

So still reading Breaking Fail and hoping at some point Bella will finally die and this will all be a bad dream. Of course, no such fucking luck because we have to stretch this bullshit out until it's unbearable. I've gone through several chapters and had more than a few fake-outs for actual action to take place or something Interesting to happen. Again... no such fucking luck.

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That's it for now. I'm still reading.